I’m having a miscarriage.

There, I’ve got that part out of the way. I guess I should put some sort of disclaimer out there, something that warns you that this post might not be as fun to read…and that my sarcasm might be used in a more cynical fashion rather than in good fun. If you are OK with that, then I’ll finally tell my story.

A large part of me was determined not to say anything, to just kind of sweep over all of this, but I don’t think I could have just gone back into mindless entries about superficial “happy” stuff without getting all of this our first. I mean, whether I like it or not this is part of me now. So if you’ll indulge me and let me get this off of my chest, I’ll try and not be too depressing.

22 Days of Happiness:
On October 10, 2009, Brad and I finally had our wishes answered. Not that I was expecting it at all. The month before I had been taken off of my fertility meds to have a test done – something called an HSG test, basically an x-ray where you are checked for any blockages in the reproductive system. I still ovulated though, and we still gave it a try that month, but like I said, without the meds I wasn’t really expecting much. The week I ovulated was also the week that we all found out about my nephew, Cooper, so it wasn’t really in the forefront of my mind.

But, as I said, and as you have guessed by now, I did get pregnant. On the 10th of October, I tested and received a faint pink line on the test. It was actually Brad that saw it, I had already discounted the test as a negative when something didn’t appear right away. As soon as I saw what he was talking about, I went crazy, analyzing the test under every light imaginable and posting pictures of it on the boards that I read (where others like me are trying like mad to have a baby). Everyone confirmed it, they saw the line two. Finally I decided to go for the gold – to take the digital test. I started pacing, and Brad decided to hold the test, so that if it was bad news, he would be the one to tell me. It wasn’t bad news. I was 3 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

We were ecstatic! We immediately ran over to Brian and Christi’s house to share the news. We HAD to tell someone right away, and I knew that I wanted to tell the families in a special, thought out way. Besides, Christi had started to know my cycles almost as good as me, and she knew that I was supposed to be testing soon.

Telling Brian and Christi was great, it was finally OUR turn, and they knew it, and were so excited for us. Truly I must say that having them around, especially Christi, through this whole process has made it so much easier. Five years ago I would have just kept all of this to myself, just bottled it up until it went away…but having her by my side has really helped me.

Anyway, that next week I went to the doctor to start having my beta numbers checked. You can check the link for the full story, but basically these numbers are present in pregnant women and are supposed to double every 2-3 days in a normal pregnancy – it’s an indicator that yes, you are pregnant, and yes, everything is going as it should. I went three days that week to have the numbers checked, and though the numbers were rising, they weren’t exactly going as fast as the doctor would have liked to see. But, they and we weren’t really worried, because the numbers can always vary, and they were still rising about every 3 days. I went back a week later for another test, and they were right on track. My first appointment was set for November 2.

In the meantime, my parents and brother were coming down the weekend after we found out. It was a trip that had been planned for about a month, but what perfect timing for me! I set out that week, collecting items to give to them to “tell” them we were pregnant. And were they surprised! We snuck a video of telling them on my camera and everything, and it was totally classic. That weekend my mom was so excited, she took me shopping and told all the store clerks that she was expecting her first grandchild. She bought me a couple of maternity clothes, just for fun, and other assorted pregnancy-related items.

Brad’s family was a little more sneaky though, Patricia noticed some peculiar links from my Delicious account which feeds to my blog…all having to do with babies. So, we broke down and told them on the phone – which was still just as fun to hear their reactions. I don’t think I’ll ever forget Patricia standing in Wal-mart on speakerphone saying “I knew it, I knew it!”

We totally reveled in the experience. At first we were planning on waiting until the first trimester was over, just in case, to tell other people. I mean, I have PCOS, and that can raise my chance of having a miscarriage, but I just felt that after this arduous journey to finally get pregnant, surely that wouldn’t happen (I guess you could call that foreshadowing). We ended up telling more and more people. Our close friends, Brad’s co-workers, my old KTAB/KRBC friends. Everyone knew we had been trying for forever and were so supportive.

For 22 days, we were pregnant and happy. And oh my gosh, did Brad go crazy! He immediately wanted to “do something” to take part in our pregnancy. During our 22 days, we painted the middle room, which has been standing empty for a year in preparation of a nursery, as well as ordered a crib, changing table, and chest of drawers.

They arrived in the mail 2 days after we found out that we were in trouble. So ends our 22 days of bliss.

22 Days of Uncertainty:
On November 2nd, we went in for our first ultrasound. I was 6 weeks, 5 days. Brad came with me for the first time to the doctor’s office. We weren’t expecting any problems, and looking forward to seeing our little bean. Unfortunately, as soon as the doctor started I knew something was wrong. There was a little sac, but nothing was in there. The doctor looked and looked, but nothing ever showed up. We tried to stay positive, but my doctor told me that this definitely worried her. I was to come back in a week to see what changes might happen. They sent me over to lab to have blood drawn so that they could check my beta numbers. We were supposed to go home and wait for the call with the results.

I think that was one of the longest 4 hours.

When I finally got the blood results, the nurse told me that with the numbers I had that only 5% of pregnancies turn out OK.

We were crushed. I mean, what were we supposed to do? I was so upset, I couldn’t even call my own parents. I mean, here I had gone and told them that they were finally going to be grandparents, and now I had to rip that away from them. Brad ended up doing all the calling, calling my family, his family, and Christi.

Of course I did what any natural freaking out human being would do – I turned to the internet. As you might know, the internet can support any outcome that you want, so of course it was there that I had found stories of women who had my exact circumstance and everything had turned out OK. You better believe that I grabbed on to that and held on tightly. Surely I would be one of these few women where everything turned out OK? Surely I would be able to share my story on Misdiagnosed Miscarriages too and give hope to someone in the future…surely that’s why I was being tested with all of this.

It was during these searches that I also first learned of the term Blighted Ovum. This is a term with which I’ve now become all too familiar.

But, for that week, we were cautiously optimistic. For better or worse, it was also that week that we were to go to Disney World on a trip that Brad had won through work. We didn’t have any choice on the dates, so from November 5th until the 8th, we took a trip to Orlando. I guess looking back it was a good distraction, it did make time go by a little faster. Of course I think I would have rather it have been a different venue.

We gathered our courage and headed back to the doctor on the 9th of November. In true suspenseful fashion, they were really busy that day, and the doctor was delayed delivering babies (oh sweet irony). So, we waited in the doctors office for about three hours before we finally got a chance to see what was going on. It was only seconds before I could see that our hoping had been in vain. I could see right away the little empty sac. Nothing had changed. When my numbers came in, they had risen, but not nearly enough. So, it looked like we’re having a miscarriage for sure, and now we were to just wait – according to the doc it was supposed to be happening “any day now.”

But, just to suspend the agony – I was to come back in in two weeks to check the progress. Here is where it got pretty pitiful, looking back on it.

The internet is full of hope for you to grab on to – there were yet even more stories for me to latch on to were even with these same circumstances there was a healthy baby produced. Maybe my uterus was tilted, maybe my baby was hiding, maybe my doctor didn’t know how to do an ultrasound. The possibilities were endless. To make matters worse, in true blighted ovum fashion, my body still had no idea that I wasn’t pregnant. During those two weeks, I started to experience my first bouts of nausea. As the doctor’s appointment drew nearer though, I started to feel a little fire of hope sparking inside me. I tried to hide it and to suppress it, but I wanted this baby so badly.

By this time we had told everyone who knew about our being pregnant that we were in trouble. We also told everyone that knew that we still had a one in a million chance, to please pray. It’s hard not to be cynical and say that it was all in vain.

Two days before Thanksgiving we were back in the doctor’s office. For the first time, my beta numbers had finally begun to drop – my body had started to catch on that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. In the ultrasound, we could see that the sac had shrunk. It was confirmed, I was 100% having a miscarriage. Now all we had to do was wait.

14 Days of Limbo:
So, for the last two weeks have been in limbo. Not pregnant, and not not pregnant. During that time I’ve had many ups and downs. At first I was mad and just wanted all of this over with. I considered having a D&C done, to just have it over and done, but knowing that there is a slight chance of messing things up for a future pregnancy held me back. Using my old friend the Internet, I looked up methods to speed up a miscarriage…basil tea and high doses of vitamin C (among other methods)…but after a day of that I felt stupid (and jittery), so I decided that I felt stupid and (with some wise words from Mom) decided to throw it away. There is also a medication that you can have prescribed from the doctor, but she warned me that it can tear up your GI system, and make the process a lot more uncomfortable. She recommended that I just let nature take it’s course. If you know me though, you know that I am NOT a patient person.

Brad and I worked on staying distracted, but we always took time to talk about how all of this was making us feel when one of us needed to. But I also took this time and the weeks prior to distance myself from most everyone else. I told family and friends on more than one occasion not to call. I am so not a feeling sharing, cry in front of others type of person. I’m not big on being the center of attention. Besides, people don’t know what to say…I mean, how is “it will happen eventually,” or “at least you know you can get pregnant” going to help me? I didn’t want to hear people try to say things – I felt it was better for me and for them just to avoid that whole awkward situation. Some of the things that people have told us have offended me, but I know that they just don’t know what else to say. I guess I wouldn’t know what to say to me either.

During this time I’ve had big struggles with my faith as well. Don’t worry, I don’t need a religious intervention or anything. I’m just mad at God – and I’ve told Him as much. I mean, out of everyone, He is the only one that had control, and for some reason, He chose not to exert it. I know there must be a reason why, but until I can figure that out, He knows that I’m more than a little miffed at Him.

So, this Thursday I have an appointment with the doc. I was planning on coming in demanding the medication. I didn’t care about the side effects, I just wanted this done – there was no way I can go through another holiday like this, to go through the whole rest of the year. But last night, it finally started. I would have been 11 weeks, 7 days.

I Can Breathe Again:
I don’t know what to say about that. Right when it happened I started crying. Whether it’s relief, grief, anger – I don’t know. I’m sure it’s a mixture of everything. But one way or another, I am moving again, I’m no longer stuck in limbo. I feel like I’m not walking around carrying some shameful secret.

I am doing OK today. I have a really good book that I bought to help me through this, to know what to expect to feel. I have wonderful friends and family who care about us, and I have lots of chocolate.

I won’t lie though – there are some truly dark thought that I sometimes have to work through. I feel sometimes that I have failed – failed Brad, my family…I know that there was nothing either one of us could have done, but try to tell that to my brain when I’m watching families with their children. Anyone who has been through this knows what I’m talking about. I think it will take a while to get back 100% to “myself.”

So, I had decided a while back that I wanted to blog about this. I guess I just wanted to wait until the journey was over. Like I said at first, I just wanted to not say anything, but I figured that my baby, even if it was only technically alive for a matter of hours or days, deserved to be recognized. I don’t want to be fawned over, I just wanted to look back and remember what happened.

The doctor says that we should wait two cycles before trying again. So, I am in for another long wait, but maybe a little less painful one.

I am planning on trying to start blogging on a more regular basis again, and I promise that not all entries will be this depressing. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for sticking around and letting me get all of this off of my chest – it really seems to have been helpful today.

I suppose I will sign off with that.